someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
