Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
