I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
