she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
