I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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