apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
