If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
