Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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