i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize