he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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