I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
