Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Say something about gay babies.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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