I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
