No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
