Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
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