i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
