There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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