I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
