did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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