is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
