Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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