So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
