just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
