that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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