I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
