I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
