So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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