Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
