The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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