Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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