She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
