I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
