also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
