1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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