And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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