Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize