I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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