Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
