I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize