I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
