chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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