i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Randomize
