Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
