Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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