He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
