We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
