I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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