I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
