i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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