I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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