i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
