Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
