I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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