dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
