Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
