Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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