i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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