Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
barbara walters just said penis...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize